Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Did You Know?

Recently my sister and I spoke of regret, of guilt, of actions perhaps we should have taken during the last days of our parent's lives. I told her of the night I felt I should have stayed at the hospital with my father, after hearing from the nurses of his uncomfortable and distressing night. He was confused. Disoriented. Afraid. It was just one night, but it burns painfully in me still.

I came across this poem written about nine months after he had passed away.

Did you know?
Did you know you were dying?
Did you make your peace
alone in the hospital room?
Did you cry out?
Should.
I should have stayed.
I should have been with you.
Held your hand
Quieted your fears
Caressed your brow in the night.
I should have been your beacon
of familiarity.
Did you cry out?
Did you shout?
Did they hear?
Did they listen?
Did they comfort?
Did they ignore?
Regret.
I regret not the life I built
so many miles away
over so many years.
I regret your life I abandoned
at the last days.
I regret the warm hug I left behind.
I regret leaving too soon.
Should.
I should have been your voice.
I should have been your advocate
your legs your voice.
I should have stayed the night.
Remorse.
I'm sorry.
You have left those haunted nights behind
and have moved on to the better place.
Those nights now haunt me.
Did you know?
Did you make your peace?
Did you see Our Father?
Did He stay with you?
Please, I pray
you were not alone.
Did you know?
Did you know how much we loved you?
Will you forgive my ignorance
of your needs?
You always knew mine and
I failed you
I failed you
I failed you

2 comments:

Voices of NLD said...

This is uncomfortable for me. It's the way I feel about my mother. We were supposed to be celebrating her birthday. Always felt I should have been at her house and that maybe she....

linda may said...

This is painful. I didn't get to be with my Dad either. I left the day before, eager to get back to my husband and children and feel so guilty about that because I knew.